Chan Dharma Community

Fall 2024 Edition

A Focus on Being a Timekeeper on a Retreat

Our fall issue is focused on reflections shared by those who dedicated their time to supporting various retreats led by Dr. Rebecca Li. Their experiences as timekeepers offer a window into how volunteering at a retreat has deepened their practice and brought forth greater clarity, commitment, and wisdom. Tom Kaczmarksi, Cindy Toy, Brian Pilecki, and Lee Harrison each share how volunteering as a timekeeper expanded their practice, revealing both the challenges and transformation of stepping beyond the personal to serve others. From the ebb and flow of self-awareness to the humbling moments of supporting fellow practitioners, their stories capture the heart of Chan practice: a journey of personal growth and collective support. We invite you to delve into their reflections below, taking inspiration from their words as we continue to cultivate a community rooted in presence, compassion, and gratitude.

With palms joined,

Annie Chiu

Tom Kaczmarksi’s Reflections:

I am grateful for the opportunity to be a timekeeper for the Three-Day Retreat in August 2024. Two things stand out for me, and they are related, or shall I say they worked together on this retreat-- it is clarity and giving.

Being the Timekeeper, I had to be aware of the totality of the Chan Hall. Necessity dictated clarity. What was interesting was that this clarity extended inward as well as outward. When Rebecca presented her list of hindrances to practice, I certainly recognized all of them in myself. Because I felt the obligation to my fellow practitioners, my awareness of them as we sat through the retreat sharpened. My awareness of my inner movement sharpened. Initially, my thought was that “My Practice” had to step back to facilitate the practice of others. I discovered this certainly was not the case. How could I clearly see my fellow practitioners if I could not clearly see myself?

As the hours rolled on, the question of giving and its nature bubbled up. So often we do not truly give. Often, this underlying expectation of reciprocity is in me. Today, I give to you. Tomorrow, you give to me. This is not giving. It is trade. What I saw in these days of serving, was that when the expectation of a return went away, I could clearly see the benefit to “me” in the act of giving itself.

As I sat with this, my experience of “me” changed. It felt like “me” was whittling away. The sharper my awareness became, the thinner the experience of “me” became. My experience of that which was aware became more ethereal and undefined. The meal chant from Great Vow came to mind: “May we with all beings realize the emptiness of the three wheels, giver, receiver, and gift.” And with that thought, I felt another weight lift off my shoulders.

Cindy Toy’s Reflections:

Rebecca has an analogy that practicing sitting meditation on a cushion is like learning how to drive in an empty parking lot. As we become more familiar with the method throughout the sittings, we can apply the awareness in our daily life more consistently. For me, serving as one of the timekeepers during retreats is like exiting that empty parking lot onto a local road and encountering some cars on the way.

First, I had to overcome the fear of serving in public, facing the uneasiness of making mistakes by messing up the time or signals. Secondly, I noticed my nervousness as I checked the time repetitively during sitting sessions. It’s a learning process to balance carrying out the task at hand and still remembering to return to my awareness at the same time. Thirdly, I learned to open my attention from my bodily sensations to the broader conditions of all practitioners and the Chan Hall environment. These are valuable training opportunities that helped to expose my emotions and reactivity. What a great opportunity to work on these struggles while in retreat since we can continue to apply the method, reflect on our understanding of the Dharma, and, best of all, practice with the support of our teacher. As a result, I am more attentive to the whole operation and more focused on the tasks I have to do. So, starting from the stage of being disturbed by the additional tasks, through continuing the practice, I feel that my mind got to open up and settle in at the same time.

Serving as a timekeeper is not all nerve-wracking either. It is also a precious opportunity to work closely and learn directly from the teacher. Once, Rebecca led an outdoor walking meditation on a hot afternoon when I was the timekeeper. Coming back from the walk, after being hot and thirsty, everyone went to the water stations except Rebecca. She went straight to the Chan Hall to make the meditation schedules for the remaining afternoon. When Rebecca came to the hallway and handed me the schedule, I still had a water bottle in my hand. I vividly remember the shock I felt deep inside, realizing how practicing moment by moment really carries out through your actions. No words can match the lesson by example.

Brian Pilecki’s Reflections

I have volunteered to be in supportive roles at several retreats, including being the timekeeper and retreat supervisor, or “Guest Master,” at Western Zen Retreats. Overall, my experiences have allowed me to practice in a different way than just simply being a participant in a retreat. First, serving as a volunteer is a way to practice generosity and being of service to others, which is part of the Bodhisattva path in Chan practice. At one retreat, I had to problem-solve a situation where a participant left the retreat early. Initially, I found myself annoyed that my practice was “disrupted," but I was able to eventually notice how this experience revealed my attachment to a “perfect” practice environment and allowed me to see that I can also practice while being busy or dealing with a stressful situation.

In supporting retreats, one is asked to have total clear awareness of the retreatants and what is happening each moment of the retreat. This is important in detecting any issues that arise or noticing things that might be helpful for the teacher to be aware of. As a retreat participant, you can simply focus on yourself, but as a volunteer, your awareness needs to be directed outwards. This has been really helpful for my practice.

In addition, the added responsibility of being in a volunteer role motivates me to practice more deeply, as there is a sense of wanting to model and help set the tone for diligent practice. Given that retreats are co-created by all the participants, the teacher, and the environment, it is important to follow all retreat guidelines not just for one’s own benefit, but to help establish an environment that is conducive for others to practice well. Finally, being in the role of a volunteer helps one gain perspective about how to run a retreat, what teachers must consider in facilitating a retreat, and how many aspects of a well-run retreat can easily be taken for granted by participants. For example, being the timekeeper allowed me to see how much thought and planning must go into arranging and executing the retreat schedule. As a retreatant, when things run smoothly, you can easily have the impression that there isn’t much to it. But actually, a whole range of factors must come together to create that impression of effortlessness in a smoothly run retreat. This has allowed for a deeper appreciation of how special each and every retreat is.

In summary, I’d highly recommend that anyone interested in volunteering give it a try as a way to deepen their practice and learn more about Chan Buddhism.

Lee Harrison’s Reflections

Several years ago, I attended my first-ever meditation retreat at Dharma Drum Retreat Center, which was also my first exposure to Chan Buddhist practice and the first time I met Rebecca Li. The practice and the retreat environment felt natural to me. I quickly developed a commitment to practice and study the Dharma, a commitment that deepened and expanded as I looked for structured ways to contribute to and support the Dharma, primarily by supporting Chan Dharma Community and Rebecca Li's teaching platforms, for my own benefit and the benefit of others who studied with her.

When I began, I never imagined that I would support a retreat. To me, retreats seemed precise and serious, while the Dharma and my practice still sometimes felt complicated and mysterious, so I was a nervous wreck during my first experience as a timekeeper. It was all I could think about during the retreat. Would I be able to sit well? Would I remember all of the steps, all of the signals? Would I miss important steps and disappoint Rebecca, or the retreat participants? Perhaps sitting on the timekeeper's cushion would be the moment I learned that I am a werewolf, or something like that, and an ugly animal would emerge at the center of the hall. Confronting these fears and anxieties was a deeply meaningful part of my practice, which has helped me to understand the teaching more clearly. Stepping out of my comfort zone, and accepting the precious responsibility of helping others, while continuing to engage in Chan practice has deepened my commitment, understanding, and faith in the Dharma.

Now, I have supported a handful of retreats, including Silent Illumination and Western Zen, and I am not nervous anymore. I am grateful to Rebecca and all of the people I have been in retreats with. My gratitude contains a sense of humility, of learning, and the confidence in my practice that I’ve gained through these experiences. I appreciate the joy and sorrow of the retreat journey, embracing the safety of the Sangha, and a flourishing reverence for the traditions that have carried and protected the Dharma through centuries, including structured intensive retreats, from the Buddha to Rebecca to our ears, and everything in between. It’s truly an honor to contribute to the causes and conditions that keep the Dharma alive.

Chan Dharma Community

Practice Opportunities

Monthly Online Dharma Study Course with Rebecca Li

2nd Wednesday of the month from December 11, 2024 - May 14, 2025

Practitioners meet on Zoom on the second Wednesday of the month from December 2024 to May 2025 to share their reflections on the month’s theme based on an assigned chapter in the book Illumination by Rebecca Li. The topic of this year’s course is examining six modes of operation discussed in the second half of the book, cultivating clear awareness of the ways in which we generate suffering for ourselves and cause harm to others and practicing to recognize and release these unhelpful habits. An invitation to register for the course has been sent out by email. Please register by Nov. 10, 2024.

Weekly Sitting Meditation

Monday Mornings, 7:00 to 7:25 AM ET

The Monday morning session includes light neck stretches, recitation of the Four Great Vows, and a 20-minute sitting session.

Thursday Evenings, 9:00 to 9:25 PM ET

The Thursday evening session includes light neck stretches, recitation of the Four Great Vows, a 20-minute sitting session.

*The weekly meditation sessions are intended for Chan Dharma Community members who have practiced with Rebecca Li. All levels of experience are welcome.

Online Sangha Friends Gathering

4th Wednesday of every month

Join us on the fourth Wednesday of every month for an unstructured gathering where we can check in with one another, talk about whatever has come up in the past month, support one another, and stay in touch as a sangha. Each gathering will begin with 10 minutes of meditation, and then everyone will check in and share, and discuss what comes up.

Upcoming Activities

Here’s a preview of our 2025 community activities. We’ll be sharing more details soon, so please keep an eye out for more information. For now, mark your calendars for these two events:

One-Day Online Meditation Retreat

Saturday, January 25, 2025
Saturday, April 5, 2025
Click the link for general information and the retreat schedule.

Sangha Sharing

Wednesday, April 30, 2025
This new gathering is a pilot event designed to offer an engaging way for our community to connect and get to know one another.

Please contact us if you would like more information about these programs.

Stay in Touch